Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
