He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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