12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Randomize
