Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
