Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
