This is not my ceiling
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
