I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
