Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
