all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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