dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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