we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
What did we do last night that was yellow?
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
