Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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