Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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