You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
