I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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