My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
