Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
