Jerry, you need to find god
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
