just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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