4 words: hood of his car
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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