Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
