New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
