Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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