I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
