he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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