My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
