If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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