Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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