I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
