My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
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