Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
