I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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