I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
