I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
