I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Randomize
