We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
