I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
