My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
