help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
