Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
