I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
