allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
