I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I looked at my own cervix.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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