my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
