her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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