OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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