wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
