I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
