I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
