im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
