Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
