I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
