I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I pour the whiskey from now on
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
