You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
